Tuesday, February 15, 2011

[My Life] Happy

I am happy. I get to hang out with one of my brothers this week and I haven’t seen him in almost 5 years. Plus I get to meet for the first time, my sister-in-law, my niece and my 2 nephews. It is an amazing feeling leaving me on cloud 9. This year, I turned 30, get to hang out with brother, started the process of changing my last name and later this year Vegas. Hopefully, I will have a good job by that time making the same amount of money or even more than I did before I was laid off, BUT I am not holding my breath on that since there are so many people in my situation. While both of my older brother’s live aboard we all have stayed in contact through phone calls and e-mails, but it feels great to actually see one of them in person again. My mind is scrambling on things for us to do, but because of the season and the nippy weather, things are limited to indoor activities. The last time, both my brothers came to visit and we hung out at the Statue of Liberty (a week after my birthday on a cold January afternoon), a place they never been to and a place I haven’t seen since I was a child with my mother. Funny how you take for granted the things around you when it is just at your finger tips. During the next couple of days, we hung out at our Aunt’s house, joking, laughing, played dominoes as if we always knew each other. Notably, my mother was nervous about the union and I don’t blame her for that. I was nervous about it too especially since I received such a horrible reception from my father just a few years before and there was some ugliness that happen when they were here, but that was my father’s fault, NOT ours.

As I wrote before in Sins of the Father, my father did a lot of horrible things to the people around him. I am not going to go into what he has done, but I will say that one of those things he did was not allowing his children to know each other, hence why I only met my brother’s for the first time right after my 25th birthday. At first, I didn’t see what we had in common and I often wondered if we were not brothers would we be friends. Hell, would they even want me around? I used to tell them that no matter how long we got to know each other, I would always feel like a stranger because not only were they blood brothers, they grew up together and had shared much more. A part of me wanted to sabotage the relationship before it went anywhere. I thought I did not deserve something like this. Growing up a single child and then all of a sudden having 2 older brothers who actually wanted to get to know me was something I could not comprehend. But they were constantly encouraging, loving and at every moment embracing of me. Especially when I was going through the turmoil concerning my grandmother, they were there for me and supportive. Even if they couldn’t be here in the flesh with me, I knew that they were just a phone call away, willing to talk me down from some mental ledge.

For some time, I shielded myself away from most of father side of the family out of fear. I didn’t want to be hurt or disappointed by them again. I didn’t want to get to close and then thrown to the side. Not to mention the fact that I am the spitting image of my father and it is hard for some family members to look past it. I spent so much time trying to find these people and then… I vanished. It was a coward’s way out. I thought they would be better off not knowing I existed while at the same time hiding the fact that I was just scared they would turn out like my father. Well scared that I might be like him more like it.

Lucky for me, I have my brothers around to help guide me through some of the rough patches. I am really happy. Today is going to be a good day.

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