Wednesday, October 13, 2010

[My Life] Open Scars

These last 18 months has been a whirlwind of events in my life, with the majority being out of my control. It started with my grandmother’s accident which caused me to drop out of school, not once but twice so I could be there full time for every up and down event. Having my mother and I savings accounts depleted because of hospital bills and other necessities which almost left us on the verge of homelessness. After my grandmother’s passing, throwing myself into a stressful job to catch up on the bills since my mother was laid off from one of her jobs. Yeah, there are a lot of things I had to deal with, especially now since I’ve been unemployed for little over a month and waiting with baited breathe for unemployment to kick in to pay the rent. Fingers and toes crossed people... After everything I’ve been through, I just needed to breath... And I have. It’s been one long expiration since I was laid off with nothing but free time on my hands.

I started to develop plans before I was laid off, but now it is just a matter of making those plans come to life. I am planning on going back to school to pursue a degree in social work, something that a mentor had expressed to me days before his passing I should go into. I will also try and take courses in Real Estate (my license had expired a few years ago so I need to start from scratch in order to get it back) and become a Notary Public to expand my income. I want to do a lot of volunteering in my community, since it would good on my resume and give me something to do with my free time. I plan on finishing writing my book and a couple of other writing projects that I’ve placed on hold so many times because one event or the other. There are some many things I have going but like it is said that sometimes the best laid plans can be hindered my the simplest ideals.

Stressed and struggle to get through the day to day function of life, I never took the time to just stop and take care of the emotional scars I had. Before this year, I was dealing with other issues like the extremely bitter end of a 3 year relationship which left me resentful on the whole concept of love, the uncertainty of where my life was going and worst of all the non-existent relationship I have with my sadist asshole of a father. Now, all those problems I had learned to bury over the years were now compounded with a whole host of unfamiliar trauma. Yeah, I was deeply depressed and at times a touch suicidal. If it wasn’t for the fact that I would leave my mother with no one to protect and look out for her, I would thrown myself over a bridge a long time ago. So I move on. I didn’t want to burden the people around me because I was never the type to just unload my problems onto others since people have been accustomed to only come to me with their problems as if I had the tools to fix it all. I don’t, but it always good to pretend to right?

When I was 20, things were so much simpler. I didn’t have to worry about rent or any of those grown up things because at that time I didn’t see myself as an actual grown up. Of course, I was at the age of maturity according to the law (I could vote, buy smokes, have sex, but not drink for some reason), but I was no way an real adult. I lacked the understanding to deal with the real world. Now that I am busting down the door of 30, I am much wiser than in my youth and can see that there are paths in front of me that I have to deal with that will determine how my life with continue. So, How do I chose this path? How do figure out what will help heal the scars that I have? I don’t know. I guess that is what adulthood is all about, figuring things out as you go along...

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